Week 2: Flow into Fire Alchemy - Burn, Fire, Struggle, Calcination
Reflection, transition and creation within the struggle and we explore Week 2 themes of Flow into Fire Alchemy.
The struggle is inevitable in life. And like fire, it has the ability to teach us and provide clarity for what we want as well as what is no longer needed. Like many, I can’t say that I am a fan of the struggle, and yet I often find myself stuck or unintentionally marinating in this energy/stage longer than I desire, or so I think because it takes the time it takes. Early on in the struggle I allow myself grace and understanding for where I am, but patience is something I’m continuing to work on. So the “longer” it takes, not meeting my ego’s timeline, I find myself allowing fear and despair to creep in creating a loop of anxiety and struggling within the struggle. This makes it more challenging to release the old habits, taking the steps to accept and embrace the new ways of being that have been brought to my awareness. But in truth I am where I am supposed to be and that I am continuously moving through the 4 stages of flow and the 8 stages of alchemy, whether or not I am aware or want to admit.
Similarly, fire can bring to light and illuminate what is desiring to be seen, yet it can also burn and destroy all that is along its path. This can be for better or worse depending on what we choose. For the past month and a half I’ve stepped away from fire dancing. For an entire month I didn’t light up a single prop and only recently have I begun to reconnect with the fire for myself and to share and be witnessed in community. As much as I love performing and the joy and transmutation occurring with fire, in April I was receiving strong messages that a change was needed. Both myself and my props were burnt out and falling apart, after having several consistent months to root into my new life living on St. Croix, which began a year prior. And while I didn’t want to let go, I recognized that my foundation was still not stable and fully supporting the life I desired for myself. So I surrendered, released, flowed and rested; and now I’ve felt like I’m on an uphill battle with the struggle again.
With all of that being said I need to give myself some credit because I am doing and becoming who it is that I want to be even if it’s not in the way, timeframe, or fashion I imagined it. I’m not just struggling, but trusting, releasing and even dropping into flow. Back in March during the Ignite Your Pu$$y Magic Retreat I was seeking clarity and guidance in what it was that I truly desired, while performing in 10 shows over the course of 6 days. And in the months since then and through these phases of struggle I have begun to gain awareness, exploring what I desire that sparks joy and passion, moving through blocks and resistance.
One of the things I craved the most was to reconnect with other dance styles and deepen into my non-fire movement practices (including flow arts). While being able to learn and perform burlesque over the past year and a half, I have missed exploring the expressive forms and body movements of modern and contemporary dance as well as the structure and training of styles like ballet and horton. My desire and calling to perform in a variety of genres is strong, though I have needed the time and space to dedicate myself to practice and devotion, not just performance and needing to work. .
In mid-May I signed up for the Pride Showcase in St. Croix and decided to create a non-fire piece to perform. While I questioned my commitment and ready/prepared-ness I knew my soul was asking me to step into this opportunity. I didn’t know what to dance to, which drives my motivation and connection to move, and the song came from my Discover Weekly I was flipping through on shuffle by an artist I sensed would have something I would want to move to. The music gave me visions of what the piece could be in various iterations while recognizing that I am currently starting at its infancy stage. A solo performance, not a full company piece. I spent hours analyzing the music and lyrics to understand the rhythms and beats which repeated throughout, trying to decide a structure that would work best with the choreography. I took classes on silk flags and training in horton in addition to my standard mobility practices. More hours were spent flowing to the music with and without props and musing into choreographing. Then I have additional ideas as the music played through my head throughout the day.
The physical time and energy I put into the piece ebbed and flowed, but there was so much energetic attention that was being craved. I had big visions and high standards to put something together in less than a month while still struggling with motivation and drive. And I was training for a new job which required lots of memorization. As it got closer I began questioning the commitment made - my costume ideas didn’t pan out as expected, I wasn’t sure about props and transitions, and I didn’t believe that the choreography was coming together. The day before and the day of, I had no desire to perform or put this piece out there, even though the stakes weren’t high and I knew whatever I put on stage would be fine whether or not it was what I wanted it to be.
Several hours beforehand I’m reluctantly exploring stores for inspiration matching my vision, though having minimal desire to continue putting effort into the project. I’m able to purchase items that match my vision, make last minute alterations, practice transition while drilling and finalizing this round of choreography. Even though I could have easily let go of the stress and not perform, I knew I didn’t want to let myself down. It was hard, annoying, challenging, sweaty, and scary choosing to push through every resistance in my body, but I did it. Whether or not seen by other, I created a piece and tried to share a story about life and the cycles we move through. The gifts and messages within that offer us support and guidance, that we get to share with those around us. A story depicting the struggle, joy and connectedness of it all and myself.
With the solstice and the longest day of the year approaching as I write this, I recognize how I understand and become aware in the struggle. Yet the more I have tried to control in this stage the louder and more challenging the struggle becomes. So I recognize the vastness of my dreams, my unrealistic expectation for perfection in execution, along with all of the fear and anxiety that is brought up. And if I continue to be scared of these feelings rather than change my relationship with them, reducing their power, I will continue to find myself struggling, resistant, afraid and stuck. As I shift out of the Week 2 prompt and this spring season, I look to close this cycle and journey, calcifying and burning away that which I have struggled with that does not support my flow and continued transformation.